that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
