I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
