My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
