My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize