my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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