last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
