ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
