my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
