just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
