I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
