Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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