I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
