He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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