I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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