Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
