I take back everything I said about communal showers
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
