im six kinds of drunk right now
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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