Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
