i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
