Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
