I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
