..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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