When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
