Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Randomize
