apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize