Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
