What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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