Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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