You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
