I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
