Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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