How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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