I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
