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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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