I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
