just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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