Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
