the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
