Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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