he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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