Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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