My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
