I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
