i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He has the fingertips of a God
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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