you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
