Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
