You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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