she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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