you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
