Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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