if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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