I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
