I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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