her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
