I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
