Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
