does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I pour the whiskey from now on
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
