What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
