This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Farmville is her only friend.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
