Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize