Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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