i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
