The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I feel like abortions should bother me more
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
