i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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