smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
